Michigan has finally received their punishment from the B1G, and wait…THAT'S IT!!??

The Michigan sign-stealing saga could easily be defined as “A James Bond-esque spy thriller, but Americanized, and on a metric ass-ton of methamphetamines.” In recent weeks, the NCAA has unearthed a scandal involving stolen information, unauthorized individuals in disguise, and even refurbished vacuums. Join us as we unravel the cast of characters and the gripping details of this college football drama.

Cast of Characters:

Connor Stalions: A diehard Michigan fan turned staffer and alleged ringleader of the sign-stealing scheme.
Jim Harbaugh: Michigan’s Head Coach, known for wearing khakis and enjoying milk. Did he have knowledge of the espionage?
Tony Petitti: Big Ten Commissioner, navigating a challenging situation in his first year.

The Unfolding Drama: A few weeks ago, the NCAA launched an investigation into allegations that Michigan had been gaining an unfair advantage by deciphering opponents’ play-calling signs. Connor Stalions, the central figure, was allegedly purchasing tickets to games not involving Michigan but featuring Big Ten (B1G) opponents and potential playoff contenders. Stalions would then dispatch his minions to record opponents’ play-calling signals, compiling the data onto sheets used during Michigan games against those specific opponents. Although Michigan vehemently denied these accusations, mounting evidence has surfaced in recent weeks.

Firstly, video footage from the Ohio State game last year clearly showed Mr. Stalions with a sheet of paper containing what can be assumed as the Buckeyes’ play-calling signals. Additionally, in the video, Mr. Stalions was seen near Michigan OC Sherrone Moore when OSU was on defense and near Michigan DC Jesse Minter when OSU was on offense. When OSU would check or audible, Michigan players and coaches would gesture wildly, potentially tipping off the play.

Further footage emerged from the Central Michigan/Michigan State game earlier this season, showing a man who looked a lot like Connor Stalions on the CMU sideline, donned in CMU gear, and equipped with what allegedly looks to be spy glasses (glasses with a camera in them).

When the play approached, this individual would hastily scurry away, obscuring his face. It’s undeniably suspicious to behave in such a manner if you belong there, not to mention wearing sunglasses at night.

In summary, Michigan had a staffer, Connor Stalions, who orchestrated a network of underlings attending conference games and possibly games of potential playoff opponents to record the teams’ play-calling signs, essentially engaging in cheating.

The Real Question at Hand: Lone Fanatic or Complicit Coach? Was this the act of a lone fanatic? Stalions, a self-professed die-hard Michigan fan with aspirations to coach Michigan Football, even wrote a 550-plus page coaching manifesto. Or was Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh aware of these actions? Harbaugh has adamantly denied any knowledge of the alleged activities.

Regardless, the B1G and Commissioner Tony Petitti announced today that Michigan “violated the Sportsmanship Policy because a University staff member engaged in an organized, extensive, years-long in-person advance scouting scheme that was impermissible.” Petitti emphasized that the goal of the scheme was to gain an unfair advantage by stealing the signs of teams that the University’s football team was due to play later in the season. According to Petitti, such misconduct inherently compromises the integrity of competition.

Petitti went on to explain that even though the league made other teams aware of what Michigan was doing, “the effect on the opponents of the University’s football team remains ongoing.” He stressed the preeminence and fundamentality of integrity in competition, far exceeding the value of winning. Because Michigan committed violations this season, Petitti deemed it appropriate to impose punishment now.

So, what is the punishment? Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh is suspended from coaching Michigan in their final three regular-season games (today at Penn State, next week vs. Maryland, and in two weeks against their rival Ohio State). Harbaugh is only barred from coaching during the games; he can still coach during the week. UM President Santa Ono has stated that the University is seeking a court order to overturn the suspension, turning the situation into a circus of its own.

The B1G also added the additional punishment of… wait… I’m being informed that… THAT’S IT!!!???

You have the biggest game-related scandal in modern college football, and THAT is the punishment?? Keep in mind, Harbaugh was already suspended three games at the beginning of the year because of his lack of cooperation in an investigation into impermissible contact with a recruit during that 2020 season that we all put out of our minds.

Let’s take into account, before Stalions joined the gang in the Maize and Blue, Michigan was 49-22. Since 2021, Michigan is 31-3. What suddenly changed? It’s pretty obvious what changed. Oh, and I can hear the Michigan fans now… “Well, OSU and Rutgers shared our signs with Purdue!” There’s a BIIIIIIIIG difference to what they did and what y’all did. I’ll use the example already mentioned.

The plays are like a math test. Ohio State and Rutgers took the test in 1st period, Purdue takes the test in 3rd period, sometime between Purdue talks to Ohio State and Rutgers and finds out what to expect on the test. Michigan, however, broke into the teacher’s desk the night before and stole the answer key.

So, what’s my take on this whole situation? I say Michigan got off lucky. Commissioner Petitti said that Harbaugh was suspended not because he was knowingly involved, but because “the Head Coach embodies the University for purposes of its football program.” So was the thought “Punish the embodiment of the program, and not the program itself”? In my opinion, you punish both. Yes, the suspension (maybe add a few games), a postseason ban for at least this year (maybe 2 or 3), and vacate any wins from 2021 to now.

How’s Michigan taking this? Well… about like you’d expect. As I mentioned, the University has filed for a temporary restraining order against the B1G with the hope that Coach Harbaugh will be on the sidelines at Penn State.

The peculiar thing is that the judge hearing this case was the judge of a case between… Connor Stalions and his HOA! Remember off the top I mentioned refurbished vacuums?

Yeah, the HOA was upset because Stalions was running a business of refurbishing vacuums out of his house, and it seems like a scam because the reviews were less than stellar.

“Missing the entire base, it was supposed to be like new. But it was also filthy and the trash bin was caked in filth. Box also extremely damaged. I know accidents can happen, but out of thousands of purchases made just on Amazon. This is a first for me.” – Amazon review of a Connor Stalions vacuum

The University also allegedly threatened to LEAVE the B1G if they felt they were unjustly punished. OH MY GOD, if I was the NCAA and they pulled that stunt… I’d say “You broke the contract, so you have no say on which conference you go to. Have fun in the MAC, bozos!”

The players also are taking it in stride, with a simple word. Bet.